When Penises Run Amok (or Larger Than Life) by Patricia Green

Photo by Cezar Perelles

If you read romance, especially erotic romance, you might notice how things are larger than life. The women have better hair, clearer skin, brighter eyes, bigger breasts, rounder behinds. The men have tighter abs, broader chests, smaller seats, and, of course, bigger private parts. I'm wondering where the normal people go to fall in love.

Consider the fantasy hero a bit more. He's got to be tall--at least taller than the heroine. Broad shoulders are a necessity, and either bulky or rangy muscles. None of that Pee Wee Herman wimpy stuff. But, probably the most fantastical, unusual, and unrealistic aspect of a romance hero is his penis. Have you ever noticed that they're all circumcised, by the way? Those penises are described as "huge," "too big to fit," "long and thick" and "too big to wrap a woman's hand around."

Reality much? The real life average penis length is about 6.5" give or take a quarter-inch. And the average circumference is a hair less than 5". Most women can wrap a hand around something with a 5" circumference, which is about the measure of the bottom of a shot glass. Heroes, however, don't fit except in one place, which manages to stretch to accommodate said part with amazing regularity. Never mind any possible damage. The woman will be so wet that it couldn't possibly cause injury. She might feel some initial discomfort, but we'll glide on past that into the ecstasy such a handsome rod brings to bear.

Oh, you'll say, but a woman's vagina can stretch quite a bit for childbirth. True. Does that feel good? Does it cause damage? Would you choose to do that with your partner every night?

Let's touch upon that, too: every night. Okay, that's mostly believable. But three and four times every night? Unless the hero is 18 or 20 years old, that's going to be a tough pace to maintain. And heroes are virtually never 18 years old--too young and unseasoned.

Have I written my heroes and heroines this way? Does a penguin waddle? Of course! I've even got a hero in Daughter of the Moon, books 1 and 2, who has privates big enough to give him a reputation among his friends. Is this real? Well, I've moved in circles where that kind of rumor has gotten around. So, it's possible. I'll go with that possibility.

Writers write what people want to read and the stuff that makes the reader find that delicious thrill and a "what if" moment. We put our fantasies on the pages, tidied up to save us embarrassment, and wrapped up in a colorful bow like a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day.

Reality can go home to cook dinner. Never mind that we'd be overwhelmed if our fantasies came true. I don't imagine any of us would survive an Indiana Jones experience, either. Fantasy is what makes books so appealing, with heroes and heroines larger than life.