How to Spot a Closet Spanko by Author Patricia Green

Photo by xksenia

Have you ever stood in line at the fast food restaurant and wondered which of your fellow consumers was a spanko? They don't walk around with paddles strapped to their belts or their red behinds exposed in chaps. So how do you know?

Of course, you can't be 100% certain unless you ask them—and risk a punch in the nose—but there are a few telltale signs that might help you figure it out.

1. Is that woman rubbing her behind a little? Just a little, mind you, surreptitiously. Maybe she's looking around nonchalantly when she does it. "I'm not rubbing my butt! There's something in my back pocket that's poking me. Yeah, that's it." Closet spanko. Her aching behind is tenderized. Her husband probably caught her using her gas money for chicken nuggets with mustard sauce. You know the type.

2. Is that man giving an annoying counter waitress a gimlet eye and fingering his belt? Does he appear to be sizing her up for something other than a romantic encounter or a happy meal? I doubt he'll approach her with a threat to spank her if she doesn't change her attitude…not in public anyway. Closet spanko. He really wants to teach her some manners, and the proper way to apply mayo to buns.

3. Is that woman wearing tight-tight short-shorts? Do they emphasize her behind? Either her name is Beyoncé, or she's got spanking on her mind. She might not even realize that she's presenting a bull's-eye of a target, but she'd love it if someone tall, dark, handsome, and wielding a wooden spoon noticed. Closet spanko. There's a Mix Master on her mind, but it's not on her kitchen counter.

4. What about the guy in the next line over who's attention seems to be riveted on that Beyoncé-look-alike's posterior? Is this about sex? Maybe sexy spanking. Men who like butts often like to give them a smack. Would he call himself a spanko? Probably not. He's a closet spanko, in denial. He'd really like to bend her over the counter, right there by the French fry warmer, and give that rounded rump a salt and peppering of a different kind.

5. Are you and your significant other engaged in spanking behavior, but keep it to yourselves? You know who you are. It's a little "correction" here and there, an erotic whack on the fanny, maybe even a regular paddling as a reminder of who is in charge. But you don't tell your mom, uh-uh. Your cousin Jill is in the dark, too. You might not even mention it to your best friend. You're a closet spanko! I'm not saying that you should shout it from the rooftops, or even the drive-through PA system, but at least admit it to yourself. You're the kind of person who wants a paddle with her McWhatzit. Do you want ketchup with that, too?

So, there you have it, several ways to identify a closet spanko. Go forth and giggle, folks, 'cause you know their secrets. You might even give them a wink before you get your burger and fries.